Conversation with a Cat

Cat: Hey, floor is dirty!

Me: So?

Cat: floor...is...dirty. Run that machine of yours.

Me: You want me to run the vaccum and suck up all that Cat fuzz, Cat Yack and general cat fuckery?

Cat: Yes, , but keep it down so as not to disperse our calm.

Me: You know it is you catz that make my floor dirty.

Cat: No, that is not us. You just have dirty floors. Please proceed with cleaning at once.

Me: and maybe you catz can stay off my forbidden counters.

Cat: That is not us.

Me: I find Kitty litter on the counter every morning.

Cat: That is not proof and I stand by my last comment.

Me: I have pictures of you on the counter.

Cat: Photoshop.

Me: Why am I arguing with you?

Cat: We wonder about that too. Floor please!!!

Me: I could shave you catz? Solve the dirty floor problem

Cat: We know where you sleep.

Me: Yes, and I'll sleep quite well.

Cat: All this energy could have cleaned the floor be now. You are infringing about my laze time in the fading sunbeam.

Me: of course, no catz means a clean house.

Cat: I'll tell mom.

Me: Not if you are gone.

Cat: She is smart, she will figure it out.

Me: I'll pick up some plushy toys and laze them about the house.

Cat: We disapprove of your snark.

Me: Where are you going?

Cat: To leave some snarky incentive in your shoe.

Me: (head bowed in defeat).